Getting something off my chest….

So this is something I have wanted to talk about for a while, something I wantted to FB about or twitter, or jsut damn talk about.

But I personally get annoyed at thos epeople that put those whiney self indulgent facebook posts up, that are like “feel like shit, someone hurt me” they just invite the question “what happened?” and im sure you know what they always reply with. “nothing, im fine”. Honestly they are the people i honestly think about deleting right there and then, but good manners is probably the only thing that stops me.

So with that said I make this clear now this isnt some self indulgent whiney crap…well maybe it is, but I am genuinely not looking for a reply, in fact i dont think anyone really reads this, and thats fine by me I write for myself not for the pleasure of others. I just finally want this out, because no matter how awesome a time im haing in america, its been nagging away, or resurfacing everyonce once in a while when i have been on my own.

To put it simply I screwed up somehow, I dont quite get what i did wrong, ok, maybe i weirded out a little bit, but when your under the impression things are going one way and they totally flip out and the person just changes, literally over night, its hard to think something isnt wrong.

This is gonna largely turn on to the bigger issue of honesty. My wholehearted belief in a relationship is pretty much honesty, if your unhappy tell me, if you wanna change the foundations, or talk about where we are going or what you want, do it. because it may hurt a little at the beginning but hurts a damn lot less in the long run.

I can give a better relationship for myself and another if they are honest with me. Thats why I play no games and am pretty open (in a sexual relationship or a friendly one). Its how i see it.

So when things went “tits up” as some would say, I panicked, why, I personally think a lack of communication, I had no idea what was going on, another key thing I believe in. Where is a relationship without communication I ask you? Its another key foundation. Simple communication lets the other person know wahts going on, wether its “I need space” or “Its just not working”, “im going through some personal stuff” or “im just really busy and exhausted”. Yeah this sounds simple enough, but time and time again through all my years (teenage ones and young adulthood) dealing with friends who are heartbroken or confused,It has been the same issue, the “not knowing. That great unknown, where your mind gets the better of you wether its during the day at work, or when your curled up in bed alone. Everyone has experienced it, wether it be a job interview or waiting on that text from that one special person bearing good or bad news about their feelings for you.

It is some sort of either natural or developed human fear, possibly the same one that comes from being afraid fo the dark, what COULD lie ahead is much scraier than what actually lies ahead…most of the time. I may have gone off topic, in fact way off topic but the point remains, Communication and honesty, two simple things, why cant we give the people we get involved with them? for the better? we just end up hurting them more sometimes. I can cope with pain, we all can. i have lost the most important people in my life, one to sickness, and one to love. It broke me both times but I built myself back up, and I have helped a dozen friends through the same heartaches, its part of lie, it is natural and how w ebecome better people. So why do we fear doing it, is it like finally admitting what is worng is too hard for some people? or do some people just not care enough? or is opening yourself up that much just to damn risky even to break someone elses heart then shut them out.

Me? I think its all three, or one of them depening on the person. It takes a strong person to just be honest, it really does, to go into a relationship stating what your looking for, but least that way your giving that person the option, they canwalk away or opt in. and if it goes sour you can walk away with your head held high (theoretically I know you can still walk away feeling like shit but it still can work out better).

So I have been screwed around and dealt with a lot of heartache, I have done some heartbreaking too something i never really wanna do but i know its part of life, only some truly lucky people (if you see it that way) fall in love once and never fall out.

I had my first love leave me, my second I had to break her heart and my third i plain seemed to screw up through mis communication, rushing it and some bad judgement calls. Thats how i see it, i have to take fault in all the thing si did wrong in EACH relationship. but merit in the things i did right, In everyone i committed myself fully, was honest, and tried to be open. and the other thing, i never entered the next relationship expecting the same thing, I learnt from the last, growed from it and moved on. Thtas probably the most important thing to learn from a relationship take the good learn from the bad and move on.

So what did i learn from the last screw up?

honestly I dont know if i even know 100% because i still dont completly get what happened, hence why communication is so important, even now i dont have my closure, even though im ok with it not working, i wanted that finally talk just to get it all said and done so i know what happened. I will always regret not knowing.

If nothing else read my tale of “woe” as a tale of caution, this isn’t a official guide, or a preaching book, or a way to live your life, I just offered my views on it, gave examples of my screw ups and talked about the good things i had, on a sidenote, the good things, I was always happy and so were all my loves, and (flings) I never had any bad times, no arguements very little stress and i never got angry, maybe thats just me but im just to laid back to have a proper arguement!! theres too little time for that nonsense!

Most people are a lot older than me, so for some people reading this, they figured this out years ago, im probably preaching to the choir.

I wanted to put this up, to say my peace, to get it off my chest and talk about my experience with relationships in general.

Remember I never said any names, or people, and I plan on keeping it that way, theres been a lot of girls that have walked through my life, only they know if they were one of my 3 loves. i even lost a bestfriend to what i thought was love, realising too late she wasnt even one. lifes funny like that i guess.

If your still reading this then i must be doing something right, or you are damn bored sir/madam.

If this is even any use to one person, or helps me get a little bit more clarity or closure in my head, then im happy. I did the right thing and this has waited long enough, its gone and done with and something i can close the book on. But to all them girls that i called “loves” well im a better person for al of it. and i bear no ill will. lifes to short, and i love you all still for whatever reason it may be. 🙂

“l love you without knowing how… or when…
or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride.
I love you because I know no other way than this.
So close…
that your hand on my chest is my hand.
So close that when you close your eyes…
I fall asleep.” – patch adams


~ by conorstrife on August 12, 2011.

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